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Today I’m issuing the first entry of a new blog series. This will be where I dump my ramblings and thoughts as a form of journal.

Today I’ll be discussing the struggle of the artist. Some common plights that anyone who enjoys creative work may relate to in one way or another.

So, this past weekend I dropped an EP. While I didn’t make much of a fuss about it in terms of sharing it around and whatnot, it personally marks a monumental moment in my own creative work where I’ve finally managed to string together a project and release it as a whole.

Ever since I jumped into producing my own music, I’ve always worked on singles and dropped one whenever it was ready. As far back as 2020, though, I’ve always had this idea in my mind that I need to release an EP at some point. The idea of dropping a project with a distinct name and showcasing multiple songs was a goalpost I’d set for myself as a way to quantify my ability to create things.

For the past few years I’ve gone on and off with this idea. At times I would sit around and draft up ideas, names, tracklists. Visualizing what an EP would look like and outlining the steps needed to make one. Usually this excitement would be short-lived. I would either work on one track and eventually list it as a single, or just tell myself to put the EP idea on the backburner until I’ve worked on more tracks and improved. This back and forth would leave me feeling anxious when it came to music, and when it came to looking back at all these ideas I’d drafted up. The final tracklist itself isn’t too far off from what I’d originally imagined either. It just took around 3 years of back and forth before it came together.

I think this constant ebb and flow of wanting this thing to exist but doubting myself left me in a spot where I didn’t feel as inspired or motivated as I should while working on music. For every new idea that I enjoyed there was always something digging at the back of my mind, asking why I couldn’t just return to the half-finished songs and release the damn EP already. Yet time and time again I’d wrestle with that voice before giving in and pushing forward with the new song. It wasn’t until earlier in 2024 when things shifted a bit.

Earlier this year I gave myself a sort of ultimatum: release at least 1 thing per month. I didn’t specify it had to be a song but that’s sort of how it would shake out. This was the latest in a series of attempts to motivate myself. Previously was around August/September 2023 where I’d written a bunch of verses and had been working on beats for a while. But back to early 2024. At this point I’d been listening back to a song I’d worked on in June 2023 and realized that there wasn’t much more I had in mind for it. I was sort of forced to realize that for every project that I’d deemed “half-finished” there was usually a solid foundation and just some production work to be done. This song in particular, ‘Liminal Convalescence’ was one I had always felt strongly about. I decided I had no choice but to put in the hours, figure out what I felt it was missing, and release it. And so I did.

Per usual there was not much fanfare surrounding this release. However, once it was up I felt this huge wave of relief. Just knowing that I marked something as ‘done’ and can now see it show up in my discography reminded me that I need to keep going. It was the thought that if I’m gonna go around saying that I have this and that as hobbies, I need something to show for it. This can’t just be something I hide in my room working on while fantasizing about it being real. There was no reason for it to not be real other than my own self-doubt and anxiety.

Once Liminal Convalescence dropped there was a new fire lit within me. One that told me I need to maintain momentum at all costs. So through the following weeks I would continue working on another song, ‘Callous Comforts’. In a similar way I would release this new track around a month later and experience a familiar phenomena. Relaxation, hopefulness, motivation. I listened back to that song repeatedly during the following week, sort of expecting myself to start hearing flaws and wish I hadn’t released it. But that moment didn’t come. I finally had a couple songs out that I could listen back to and still say, ‘wow that’s finished!’. At this point I was also digging up old notes on the ‘EP’ project. With this newfound confidence and desire to continue, I returned to these old songs with the mindset I had when working on the latest 2 releases, and decided I had to just focus in and make what I’ve been wanting to make the whole time.

So for the month after Callous Comforts I would spend at least a couple hours each day working away at these songs. Sometimes flipping between multiple projects within the same hour to pick at them and work on ideas. One song would lead me to inspiration for what to do with another. Then I’d do some research and learn a technique that could apply to all of the songs, so I’d go back again to each project and implement these new ideas. After a few weeks of consistent work I got to a point where the songs were solidified, and now I needed to just polish up, master, and instill some confidence in myself.

In the days leading up to the release of the ‘Expel All Wicked’ EP I would listen back to these masters, making some last-minute changes while overall satisfied with what I had. But there was still a layer of self-doubt hanging. As much as I felt I’d improved in terms of my writing ability, these specific songs were quite personal in lyrical content and somewhat experimental in instrumentation. As much as I was in love with what I was making, I had this feeling that no one else would be able to see them in the same way. That unlike ‘Liminal Convalescence’, a clean sounding electronic instrumental, this EP may come off strangely with its depressing lyrics and strange instrumental choices. Though there was nothing to keep worrying about. I was at the same point with this EP that I was at with the previous releases: I felt they were finished. So regardless of how others may perceive these songs, I threw together the necessary info and released it.

In the days that followed I would listen back to the EP regularly, satisfied with the fact that I still enjoyed what I heard. That what I heard connected with me and I think effectively communicated some of my sensibilities. While it isn’t music you’d necessarily put on when having fun with friends, I felt it fit into the pocket of something that could be stumbled upon and that individuals might connect with, if it reached the right people.

At the time of writing this it’s been around a week since the EP dropped. There were a few moments of anxiety, thinking that these songs may deter people from following me or being interested in what else I do. But overall I’m still happy with the result. The catharsis I felt when seeing the EP on my Spotify artist page was more powerful than any anxieties I had about the songs. Something that I’d pushed to the side and waved away, yet strongly yearned for for over 3 years, was finally out. I’ve affirmed to myself that this is something I need to do, and keep doing. That what I felt when releasing the EP was a feeling I’d be able to catch again if I just keep creating things. Disregard what the world may see, and just make what feels right and true to myself.

The reason I write all this out is because this is a struggle that has been ongoing for a long time. Over the years I’ve faced my fair share of tribulations and mental health struggles, all the while drafting out ideas of ways to express myself and connect to others who feel the same way. Time and time again I’d scrap so many of these ideas due to the worry that putting these things out there would affect people’s perception of me. I think that perpetual back-and-forth with myself only served to keep my confidence at a low and solidify in my mind that the things I enjoy creating aren’t worthy to see the light of day. A form of self-sabotage. But I’ve had to entirely disregard that thought. What replaces it, is the idea that no matter how unpopular or unappealing the things I create are, the most important thing is leaving a mark. Leaving something on the earth to show that I have been working. I have been creating. For far too long I’ve left gaps where despite spending so much time working on my own projects, nobody else has seen what I’ve been doing. Nobody else know that I’ve been tirelessly translating my thoughts. So rather than be some guy that supposedly makes some stuff, I need to be some guy that makes stuff which you can experience for yourself.

My creations are a reflection of myself. A way to turn myself inside out. To take my inner world and pull it out so that it can stand next my physical form. I’ve grown tired of hiding or omitting what I am, who I am. And as uncomfortable as it can be to let some of this raw expression out there, I know that the feeling of finally finishing something is a feeling that I need as a way to remind myself what I live this life for.
I can notice myself hitting another speedbump now. With the EP out and 2 other songs out prior to that, I feel the need to start some new projects from scratch. New songs, new ideas. But that blank slate can be quite intimidating. With 10 trains of thought running and only one train station, it can seem overwhelming to pull out an capture what any one of those tracks is carrying. I still need to remind myself to push forward anyways. Do something, let it be known, and whatever happens, happens.
To anyone out there who’s struggled in similar ways with this back and forth never ending cycle of ideas, writing, and inability to follow through, just know you will find a breakthrough. One day you’ll realize how much you need it. How much you need to create and show this side of yourself. Once you truly understand how much you need it, you’ll find the strength to push through any arbitrary limitations you’ve placed on yourself and find that ‘fuck it, let’s go’ attitude. That’s sort of what the verse on ‘Slippin…’ off of the EP is about. Enjoy the planning phase, enjoy the fantasy. But make sure to remind yourself that it is you and you alone who can grasp that fantasy and pull it through to our world.

Art is a magical thing. Similar to language, art is a form of communication that can conjure up a unique experience depending on the audience. Make your art with intent, and enjoy the beauty of the fact that once it is out there it will continue to live on. Whether people like it, hate it, connect deeply with it, or think it is worthless, the art you make will continue to impact others. Like shouting into a canyon you carry the intent and the action but have no control over where the echoes go. But there is beauty in the fact that those echoes live on and move where they will. Someone nearby may catch one and find something special in it. I know I’ve felt that way time and time again when I’ve encountered music or works from an unknown artist, and was left in awe at the raw expression and personality captured within.